Have you met your ego?
Well… I’m probably going to set off some of you, and for that I’m sorry… or maybe not. As you know, we all have an ego. Yes, even the people who claim they don’t have one still face it every single day, through their thoughts, fears, and goals. And having an ego is normal: sometimes it gives us the push we need to finish a project that has been dragging for way too long, or to adapt to environments with strict rules, like your workplace. Without your ego, you probably wouldn’t be able to function in those settings. In this piece, we’re going to explore how to stop being victimized by your ego, and how yoga can help you find a sense of unity and peace with it.
When I talk about the ego, I mean the attachment to the mental image you have of yourself, the version of you that must succeed, perform, adjust, prove, and survive; the part of you that defends itself and isn’t always rational. Because yes, in many situations, your ego really does help you survive. You don’t see it? Then remember a moment when you found yourself in a situation where you were out of alignment, yet your ego helped you adjust your expectations and navigate that uncomfortable moment by adapting and playing by the rules of that particular environment. Your ego was there to protect your essence. So before wanting to get rid of it… start by thanking it.
The problem is that most of us identify with this mask. And that same ego also makes us narcissistic beings filled with fears, desires, insecurities, and pride. In a very dualistic world, especially in Western or American culture, we constantly try to place ourselves in the “good” category, whether at work, in friendships, or in romantic and family relationships. Consciously, no one wants to be the “bad guy.” In emotionally engaged relationships (meaning with people you’ve built emotional ties with) the person in front of you often becomes the mirror of what you refuse to see in yourself. We put “good” on one side, and anything that doesn’t fit that definition becomes “bad.” And what we refuse to admit in ourselves, our flaws, our less flattering sides, we end up seeing appear… in others.
Often, it’s our narcissistic traits that we reject: control, attachment, jealousy, possessiveness. Life then places people on our path who carry these traits but who, just like us, believe they are the “good ones.” The result? You end up with friends, partners, or family members who trigger your shadow parts. And when you’re unconscious of this dynamic, your first reaction is to place yourself as the victim and make the other person the villain. Except that at some point, you will become the “villain” in their eyes, because you triggered their insecurities too. This is how a so-called “toxic relationship” is born even though neither of you is inherently toxic. It’s the emotional bond between you that awakens fears and insecurities you don’t know how to manage, and that dynamic becomes toxic.
But when you take the time to know yourself fully, you begin to see that some of your behaviors stem from control, fear, or insecurity. Once you become aware of these wounds, abandonment, rejection, injustice, humiliation, betrayal (see The Five Wounds That Prevent You from Being Yourself by Lise Bourbeau), you become responsible for your response, rather than the reaction of the other person.
This is where everything changes: instead of automatically falling into the role of victim or perpetrator, you choose how to respond. You understand the relational dynamic at play, and you even develop empathy for the other person, opening the door to an actual conversation.
From there, you can set clear boundaries, not to control the other, but to honor your values and create the conditions for a healthy relationship.
By becoming responsible for your own response, you gain confidence and empathy. The idea is to bring your shadow into the light so you can act with consciousness and responsibility in your emotional and life choices. This also creates a healthy distance from your “spark-responses”, the impulsive reactions that often lead to decisions you later regret.
As you learn to know and soften your shadow, you gradually create an inner union between that shadow, your light, and everything in between. This generates a form of energetic stability, a balance that allows you to be in charge of your decisions and the phases of your life.
It’s an active process that requires discipline and consistency.
So, what does this have to do with yoga?
Well, the essence of yoga is precisely union with yourself, with others, with the world. And some philosophical practices of yoga, like Tapas, help dissolve the excess of ego so you can reunify the different parts of yourself.
In the yogic tradition, Tapas literally means “heat” or “inner fire.” But it’s not a fire that destroys, it’s a fire that clarifies. Tapas is the gentle yet steady discipline that brings you back to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.
It’s not forcing. It’s not punishing yourself. It’s the capacity to stay present with what’s burning inside you: fear, jealousy, control, old patterns… and choosing not to let them drive the car.
Tapas doesn’t turn the ego into an enemy it turns it into something workable, something you can soften and reshape. Through this inner fire, reaction becomes response, confusion becomes clarity, and separation, between shadow and light, begins to dissolve.
This is where yoga becomes a practice of profound transformation.
- Charlotte Alleaume
